just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
