Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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