I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
