If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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