i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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