I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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