dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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