I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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