so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
