I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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