what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You ruined the universe
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
