So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
