I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
