i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
