Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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