in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
