The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
