I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
