from now on my penis is your penis
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
