At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk is not a location!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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