Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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