I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
