I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
