I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
