The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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