you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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