You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
