now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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