I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
