I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
