my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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