I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
