Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
