I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
