I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
