hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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