I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
