i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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