as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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