Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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