No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize