literally had 100 drinks last night.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
