Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
