how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
