Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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