Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
