my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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