so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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