You really coming over, don't trick.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
