Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
