she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
