I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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